something to think about: November 2003

Thanksgiving Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving,

But I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
The dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might.

Tossing and turning
With anticipation
The thought of a snack
Became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge,
Full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey
And buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
Beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling
So plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling,
Floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding
And a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell
As I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all -
Pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy
Have nary a lump,

May your yams be delicious
May your pies take the prize,
May your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off of your thighs.

May your Thanksgiving be blessed!!

Dog Indians and Cat Pilgrams?

Monday, November 24, 2003

"I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards."
- Henny Youngman

"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in."
- Henny Youngman

"Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around, we use our fingers."
- Will Rogers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today."
- Will Rogers

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
- Lily Tomlin

"This is the operator. Am I speaking to the party to whom I am connected?"- Lily Tomlin

Sunday, November 23, 2003

stupid, silly jokes

"When I sneeze, I put my hand in front of my mouth."

"Why do you do that?"

"To catch my teeth."

"What's a football made of?"

"Pig's hide."

"Why should they hide?"

"No. The pig's outside."

"Well bring him in. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine."

"Peculiar, isn't it?"

"What is peculiar?"

"A person can walk a mile without moving more than two feet."

"What's the idea of telling everyone I'm a jerk?"

"Sorry, I didn't know it was a secret."

"What is the difference between a sigh, a car and a jacka@@?"

"I give up."

"A sigh is "Oh, dear!" A car is too dear."

"And what is a jacka@@?"

"You, dear."

Have patience with all things. But first of all with yourself.

Wherever life's path leads you, May every step along the way Be filled with peace and courage.

Good friends are like angels, you don't have to see them to know they are there.

Nothing can bring you peace But yourself. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, November 21, 2003

fun places to visit

tap dancing cats

groovin' granny

discover your super-hero name

Easter by Joyce Kilmer

The air is like a butterfly

With frail blue wings.

The happy earth looks at the sky

And sings.

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Random Acts of Kindness

My entry today is to ask everyone to do a "random act of kindness." Need some suggestions? Here are a few:

Pay for the car behind you at the drive thru.

Send a card to someone you haven't seen in awhile.

Take some flowers (from the grocery store doesn't have to fancy or expensive) to someone. Anyone, a friend, a neighbor, ect...

Buy something at McDonald's and give it to someone that is on the street corner begging for money (or the "will work for food guys")

Call the church secretary and tell her what a good job she is doing.

Send an uplifting e-mail to someone. Leave a kind remark at someone's journal.

Let someone cut in front you at the store, in traffic....

Use your imagination the possibilities are endless!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

quick smiles

If you feel a smile begins, don't leave it undetected -- let's start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected. -- anonymous

A laugh is a smile that bursts. -- Mary H. Waldrip

Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best way to cheer yourself is to try to cheer someone else up. -- Mark Twain

Do not take life seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubband

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else. -- Will Rogers

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. -- Maya Angelou

If you're going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now. -- Marie Osmond

The secret of happiness is to admire without desiring. -- F. H. Bradley

Monday, November 17, 2003

brain cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, whis is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of you life." Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking compaign.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"We don't necessairly discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Sunday, November 16, 2003

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully, said.....

"Clean my house."

Thursday, November 13, 2003

need a prescription?

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license." Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picutre and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

As I've matured.......

I've learned that:

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

No matter how much I care, some people are just jacka@@##.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiam.

It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

Not to sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Artifical intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

That 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the a@@ are permanent.

Sunday, November 9, 2003

The Hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome: Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River call Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and esclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped up to first class.The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope like to meet some of the visitors and if I'd bo so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

Well, he said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

Thursday, November 6, 2003

#16

Hello, is this the FBI?

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI descend on Billy Bob's house. The search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, the bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! This here is Floyd. Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy birthday, buddy."

Wednesday, November 5, 2003

#15

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating to much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Tuesday, November 4, 2003

#14

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free......You either married it or gave birth to it.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty.....do it and die."

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Monday, November 3, 2003

#13

International stress symbol

U think your job sucks?

#12

Check out this web site for the different types of ..........,

well, you'll see.

#11

FOR THE GARDEN OF YOUR DAILY LIVING PLANT THREE ROWS OF PEAS:

1. Peace of mind

2. Peace of heart

3. Peace of soul

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF SQUASH:

1. Squash gossip

2. Squash indifference

3. Squash grumbling

4. Squash selfishness

PLANT FOUR ROWS OF LETTUCE:

1. Lettuce be faithful

2. Lettuce be kind

3. Lettuce be patient

4. lettuce really love one another

NO GARDEN IS WITHOUT TURNIPS:

1. Turnip for meetings

2. Turnip for service

3. Turnip to help one another

TO CONCLUDE OUR GARDEN WE MUST HAVE TYME:

1. Tyme for each other

2. Thyme for family

3. Thyme for friends

WATER FREELY WITH PATIENCE AND CULTIVATE WITH LOVE. THERE IS MUCH FRUIT IN YOU GARDEN BECAUSE YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW.

#10

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil!

We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.

All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC

#9

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting flies" He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Saturday, November 29, 2003

Thursday, November 27, 2003

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Tuesday, November 25, 2003