"I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards."
- Henny Youngman

"I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in."
- Henny Youngman

"Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around, we use our fingers."
- Will Rogers

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they do today."
- Will Rogers

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
- Lily Tomlin

"This is the operator. Am I speaking to the party to whom I am connected?"- Lily Tomlin